Road Kill
I think the title of this blog post sums my driving up perfectly. If you ever see me driving by, MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY! I can only describe my driving experience as a 14 year old virgin boy about to get laid. Sweaty palms, pacing heart, shaking hands, squeaky voice with occasional screams all followed by ending with a high 5 and a cheesy grin. These are legit the steps of from stepping into the car to pulling over in a safe place.
I'm coming onto 25 and I've only just bought my own car a few months back this summer, '17. I am abit slow with the times but my excuse being, I am clearly an alcoholic and cannot go anywhere without wanting a drink so why would i deem myself to be the designated driver ever? Logic. But enough was enough and i got myself looking for my first little car. Now my favourite car is a Black Matte Audi R8. You own one of them cars and i can only describe it as a 'pussy magnet'. Girls just appear on your bonnet doing open legged handstands. Crazy i know, but i swear this isn't just my imagination. But yeah, obviously I'm not going to purchase an Audi R8 for my first car. Mainly the price because I'm not a baller although I'd love those handstand girls on my bonnet. But the other reason being i cannot drive safely. I still haven't got to grips with staying in my lane and watching those sneaky curbs. So i am on the look out for an old'ish car that i wont mind scraping along the wheels and probably crashing into my garden wall and probably knock my house down.
I found a Ford Focus, bit of an old plate but she was local and she was quite cheap. Now the guy I'm buying her off is looking for a quick sell so i just handed him the cash and went and picked her up. Baring in mind i cannot drive yet and at this point had never even drove a car before in my life. What am i even thinking. But anyway, the car, the inside was literally like being inside a tobacco tray. There was tobacco everywhere, paper, ash, dirt and some leaves for an extra touch. Like where had this guy just stolen this car from? Clearly this was the 'lads' car they all smoked in or he threw tobacco round like it was confetti. What a buy Dan, you have really outdone yourself this time. Although, this means i get to clean it and i have such OCD so I'm not complaining that much. Outcome the Marigolds and i spent a good few hours transforming the car into a beautiful lady. I haven't named her yet but i know she's a girl. Next came all the car fragrant, a giant dream catcher for my mirror, (which may i add is NOT safe when driving but looks hell pretty so i kept it) and I'm still considering fur cushions for the back seat. You know when you see them idiots who pimp their cars out. That's what i wanted to do. Make is trashy.
Now baring in mind I've had this car almost 6 months now and paying monthly insurance ect. Well, I've only driven it around 6 times. I never use it. Probably because nobody trusts my driving but because i work online my day to day life doesn't require me to leave the house! I am a hermit with a car. Pointless. I thought about renting it out, i don't even know if that's a real thing, but then thought what if somebody done a crime in it and i got the blame? Like i am not joining a gang in jail and becoming somebodies bitch. I do not want a crew cut and a tribal tattoo. (That's what i envision when i picture women's jails lol.) So i keep paying my insurance and just stare at it out my window daily it's a lot safer.
I started driving it on carparks, giant open spaces where i am unable to crash, although i could crash into fresh air if i tried. Useless. Then i began driving on roads local to my home. Taking off like a get away driver because i cant get my bite and hitting tight corners in 3rd gear asif i know what i am doing and i don't live by a busy primary school. Hence my quote earlier, 'Move bitch get out the way'. That's because i don't know how to move so you best move, even if you are 7 years old bitch you move.
I'm not actually that bad now on the roads if you would believe it but i do still go through that 14 year old boy loosing his virginity steps every time i get in the car. I think that's more down to my anxiety and me not knowing how to calm myself down but i am slowly getting there. But if you fancy carpool karaoke with me one time and you can provide your own crash helmet and sign a consent form, come for a drive with me!
OnlyFans 18+
I'm coming onto 25 and I've only just bought my own car a few months back this summer, '17. I am abit slow with the times but my excuse being, I am clearly an alcoholic and cannot go anywhere without wanting a drink so why would i deem myself to be the designated driver ever? Logic. But enough was enough and i got myself looking for my first little car. Now my favourite car is a Black Matte Audi R8. You own one of them cars and i can only describe it as a 'pussy magnet'. Girls just appear on your bonnet doing open legged handstands. Crazy i know, but i swear this isn't just my imagination. But yeah, obviously I'm not going to purchase an Audi R8 for my first car. Mainly the price because I'm not a baller although I'd love those handstand girls on my bonnet. But the other reason being i cannot drive safely. I still haven't got to grips with staying in my lane and watching those sneaky curbs. So i am on the look out for an old'ish car that i wont mind scraping along the wheels and probably crashing into my garden wall and probably knock my house down.
I found a Ford Focus, bit of an old plate but she was local and she was quite cheap. Now the guy I'm buying her off is looking for a quick sell so i just handed him the cash and went and picked her up. Baring in mind i cannot drive yet and at this point had never even drove a car before in my life. What am i even thinking. But anyway, the car, the inside was literally like being inside a tobacco tray. There was tobacco everywhere, paper, ash, dirt and some leaves for an extra touch. Like where had this guy just stolen this car from? Clearly this was the 'lads' car they all smoked in or he threw tobacco round like it was confetti. What a buy Dan, you have really outdone yourself this time. Although, this means i get to clean it and i have such OCD so I'm not complaining that much. Outcome the Marigolds and i spent a good few hours transforming the car into a beautiful lady. I haven't named her yet but i know she's a girl. Next came all the car fragrant, a giant dream catcher for my mirror, (which may i add is NOT safe when driving but looks hell pretty so i kept it) and I'm still considering fur cushions for the back seat. You know when you see them idiots who pimp their cars out. That's what i wanted to do. Make is trashy.
Now baring in mind I've had this car almost 6 months now and paying monthly insurance ect. Well, I've only driven it around 6 times. I never use it. Probably because nobody trusts my driving but because i work online my day to day life doesn't require me to leave the house! I am a hermit with a car. Pointless. I thought about renting it out, i don't even know if that's a real thing, but then thought what if somebody done a crime in it and i got the blame? Like i am not joining a gang in jail and becoming somebodies bitch. I do not want a crew cut and a tribal tattoo. (That's what i envision when i picture women's jails lol.) So i keep paying my insurance and just stare at it out my window daily it's a lot safer.
I started driving it on carparks, giant open spaces where i am unable to crash, although i could crash into fresh air if i tried. Useless. Then i began driving on roads local to my home. Taking off like a get away driver because i cant get my bite and hitting tight corners in 3rd gear asif i know what i am doing and i don't live by a busy primary school. Hence my quote earlier, 'Move bitch get out the way'. That's because i don't know how to move so you best move, even if you are 7 years old bitch you move.
I'm not actually that bad now on the roads if you would believe it but i do still go through that 14 year old boy loosing his virginity steps every time i get in the car. I think that's more down to my anxiety and me not knowing how to calm myself down but i am slowly getting there. But if you fancy carpool karaoke with me one time and you can provide your own crash helmet and sign a consent form, come for a drive with me!
OnlyFans 18+
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